Why Your Team Sucks 2023: Kansas City Chiefs
Some persons are followers of the Kansas City Chiefs. However many, many extra persons are NOT followers of the Kansas City Chiefs. This 2023 Defector NFL workforce preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews to date right here.
Your workforce: Kansas City Chiefs.
Your 2022 report: 14-3. Tremendous Bowl champions. And who can overlook all the indelible moments that made it doable? [“One Shining Moment” begins playing] Like this one:
And this one:
And this one:
This has been probably the most thrilling workforce in soccer for years now, and but their title run a 12 months in the past felt like homework. I can reward the Chiefs for profitable all of it with out Tyreek Hill (or any wideouts, actually) and with Patrick Mahomes bravely dragging himself across the subject. However I’d be mendacity if I stated watching this workforce flag its method to glory made for thrilling tv. Lord is aware of each broadcast workforce on this planet tried to persuade me in any other case. At any time when Mahomes limped his method to a primary down, it was Willis Reed/Flu Sport/Barbaro instances 1,000,000. Simply chill the fuck out, Tony Romo. I got here right here to observe some lengthy bombs, not a fucking grit-off.
Additionally, that wasn’t holding. Gimme a break. The refs might as effectively have handed you that ring in a takeout field.
That is the place I recap all the Chiefs’ losses through the season to make them look dangerous. However they gained the Tremendous Bowl, in order that’s a little bit of a hole train, isn’t it? Shit, ALL of those previews are hole workout routines. The season begins tonight, and every little thing I’ve written for the previous month and alter might be confirmed incorrect over the course of a single weekend. All I’m doing right here is losing time, pulling takes out of my ass till the video games make every little thing definitive. Fucking Mahomes may break his leg tonight and the complexion of this complete season would change immediately. I do know dick. Similar goes for you.
However I DO know that these guys laid an egg in Indy final season! They even let ancient-ass Matt Ryan beat them within the last minute that day! Ha!
In addition they gave up the game-winning landing move to Josh Allen with simply over a minute left in a loss to Buffalo! And so they blew a 24-17 fourth-quarter result in Cincinnati! So I’ll take my derision the place I can get it. HEY EVERYONE, LOOK AT THE CHUMPS WHO COULDN’T GO UNDEFEATED ALL SEASON LONG! What a fucking embarrassment! Wager you’re feeling owned now, do not you!
Your coach: Andy Reid, who mailed it in for the top coaches picture this offseason:
You name {that a} Hawaiian shirt, asshole? You’re not even attempting anymore.
Andy Reid is as quietly hardassed as his age would suggest, however his gaudy Hawaiian shirt factor a minimum of took the sting off for someday a 12 months. I may image Andy as Tropical Soccer Santa Claus—doling out shitty Fanatics merch and buttslaps in equal measure—as a substitute of as a airtight weirdo with a deadbeat son and 0 character exterior of his playsheet. At the least the moccasins listed below are a contact playful.
Your defensive coordinator stays Steve Spagnuolo, a first-ballot Corridor of Famer for Sensible Defensive Coordinators Who Had been Horrible Head Coaches. However the massive information is on the offensive department of the org chart, the place longtime OC Eric Bieniemy left city to change into head coach-elect of the Commanders whereas Reid promoted this man to interchange him:
Is that former Bears maniac Matt Nagy? Positive is. Will his promotion make any noticeable distinction in any way? Nope. Andy Reid is the offensive coordinator of any Andy Reid workforce. That’s why Bieniemy left, and that’s why Nagy will stay safely ensconced on this gig till his boss chokes on a child again rib. That is the Chase Daniel of assistant jobs. All you gotta do is present up and put on a hat.
Your quarterback: Patrick Mahomes, who’s one of the best QB of his era and simply misplaced a nationally televised character contest to Marcus Mariota and Kirk Cousins. It was that “by no means meet your heroes” served as a warning that your hero would change into a impolite, violent prick. On this century, it’s extra a warning that your hero will change into the type of man you’d exit of your method to keep away from being caught speaking to at a celebration. Simply the boringest asshole who ever lived. That’s Patrick Mahomes: dazzling on the sphere and a charisma vacuum off of it. Even Mahomes’s HOUSE is boring, and he simply spent $677 million constructing it. His style is structure is almost as dangerous as his style in members of the family.
However that hasn’t stopped Mahomes from having fun with The Favre Remedy, through which shade guys gush about him nonstop, all sport lengthy, all season lengthy. Any soccer fan is greater than in a position to recognize Mahomes on their very own. However strive explaining that to the Cris Collinsworths of this world. They’re nonetheless gonna beat you to loss of life with repeated, breathless paeans to this man anyway. [laughing] I simply don’t understand how he’s doing this, Mike! This is the reason I mute the video games and play Slayer albums over them as a substitute.
Longtime backup Chad Henne retired this offseason. Your new backup is Blaine Gabbert. Henne capably led the Chiefs offense not as soon as however twice in essential playoff video games over the previous few years. Yo Gabba Gabbert will … not be capable of do this. Hold that in thoughts, as a result of who says limping via the playoffs all final 12 months gained’t have an effect on Mahomes completely? And who says I gained’t kneecap him myself simply to get Collinsworth to close the fuck up for a second?
What’s new that sucks: The most important impediment to a Chiefs repeat is the continued holdout of monster DT Chris Jones, plus the free agent departures of DE Frank Clark and each beginning OTs in Orlando Brown and Andrew Wylie. Jones has already threatened to carry out till midseason, and new LT Donovan Smith missed the top of final season with an elbow harm. Additionally, minus departed free agent WR Juju Smith-Schuster, the receiving corps is in some way worse than it was a 12 months in the past.
However these are the Chiefs. They nonetheless have one of the best QB within the league, one of the best tight finish, one of the best head coach, and one of the best entrance workplace. They’re the favorites. Nobody with a mind would argue in any other case. So let me flip my consideration now to the curious saga of superfan ChiefsAHolic, pictured right here:
ChiefsAHolic is at present charged with 19 counts of financial institution theft and cash laundering after happening an prolonged fraud spree, making him the good individual to have ever lived in Kansas City. Actually cooler than each different Chiefs fan.
I’m now sick of the Chiefs, and much more so of the wastoids who cheer them on. I spent most of my life assuming that Chiefs followers have been regular. They favored burnt ends, yelling actually loud, and being unhappy that they’d no QB. I used to be incorrect. These persons are shit. The worst of us. I’ve to SEE these followers now that the Chiefs are related, and what I see is all dangerous: the idiocy, the racism, the stench, and so forth. As with the presidency, a Tremendous Bowl victory doesn’t change who you’re, it reveals it. Each title Mahomes wins these followers get nearer to Philadelphia ranges of insufferability. I favored all of you higher when Matt Blundin was your QB and I by no means needed to fear about you being completely satisfied. Now you’re, like, round. I hate it.
Why the gamers suppose you suck: I informed you up high that Reid was an old-time hardass. The remainder of the Chiefs group is not any totally different, which is why the union gave them one of many worst total grades within the league. Why? Nicely as a result of their trust-fund child of an proprietor—SURPRISE!—doesn’t really feel the necessity to lavish his staff with, like, stuff.
Solely 56% of respondents imagine that membership proprietor Clark Hunt is keen to take a position the cash to improve the ability, rating him 27th on this class.
And since the top coach was referred to as out by title for being the scum of the fucking Earth.
A number of gamers had damaging opinions about head coach Rick Burkholder, feeling that he doesn’t deal with gamers pretty and persistently, or with private care.
Guess why they really feel that manner!
They really feel discouraged from reporting their accidents …
And in the event that they do?
They worry retribution for talking up for higher care …
Belief me, the Chiefs will not be ashamed one little bit of this report card. If something, they imagine that treating their gamers like crap and endangering their livelihoods is particularly what makes them perennial contenders. I guess Clark Hunt handed these findings round at a board assembly to pat himself on the again for ignoring the Woke Police and operating this workforce like Fort Bragg after a price range reduce. And also you higher imagine that each sunburn in Missouri and Kansas reveres him for it.
What has at all times sucked: I’ve had sufficient of Travis Kelce’s bullshit:
“Let me take you again to 2022 and the month of perhaps April,” Kelce stated. “Guys have been getting signed left and proper. The haters have been saying that the Chiefs would by no means make the playoffs. The haters have been saying that the Chiefs have been executed.”
Excuse me whereas I’m going vomit out of each orifice. There’s a pressure of NFL tight finish that should at all times be A Persona, and these tight ends at all times find yourself being annoying. Gronk’s shit received previous. Mike Ditka’s shit received previous. With apologies to Skilp, Shannon Sharpe’s shit received previous. And Jeremy Shockey’s shit received previous the second he was drafted. Travis Kelce is one of the best tight finish in soccer by a mile. He’s a pleasure to observe, and if his moody knee retains him out of any sport, then this offense is effectively and really fucked. However I can not take yet one more second of him and his asshole brother being the self-appointed grand marshals of the dipshit parade. He is additionally fucking with Jones’s cash.
Fucking bootlicker. And the worst half is that I already know that I’m far nearer to the starting of extended Kelce overexposure than I’m the top of it. Each Kelces will get employed by FOX to function in-studio “comedian reduction” the second they fuck off to retire. So I’m BEGGING America, proper now: please carry me one thing that cancels each of those males. I can’t cope with their Let’s Fucking Go-ism yet one more second. Discover me a video of them beating up a homeless individual or one thing. Something to get them off my TV display screen.
The workforce title continues to be racist. The AFC is definitely arduous now. Kansas City is called the City of Fountains and precisely nobody offers a shit about any of these fountains. It’s a fountain. Go smoke me some brisket, Carl.
Ratto says: Andy Reid has by no means had a workforce featured on Laborious Knocks, which is the very best type of energy a coach can attain. Invoice Belichick, John Harbaugh, Kyle Shanahan, Sean Payton, Mike Tomlin, and Pete Carroll have additionally prevented it, suggesting that the quick monitor to the Corridor of Fame contains not taking conferences with anybody from HBO. There is a lesson in that for us all.
What may not suck: Nicely they’re gonna win the Tremendous Bowl this 12 months, if not many extra Tremendous Bowls. However once more, I discover them irritating, so I’m not gonna rely any of it.
HEAR IT FROM CHIEFS FANS!
Jean:
Why does every little thing about this workforce need to have a nasty aftertaste?
Earl:
At the least I do know what being a Yankees fan should really feel like now.
Jordan:
I’m turning into a non secular Patriots fan. Please assist me, Drew. PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I TURN INTO FOOTBALL FAN BRUNDLEFLY.
Kevin:
Half these persons are spending 70% of their disposable earnings on season tickets and outfits that stroll proper as much as the road of being too racist to be allowed within the stadium.
Erica:
I donate to NARAL each time Butker misses a kick. Like instantly. I’m filling within the fee type whereas he’s lining up. I’m READY.
Todd:
The fucking chop. I do not need to hear one other phrase about how, “we work with the native tribes.” It is fucking racist, fascist, and some other type of “ist” I can consider. I refuse to do it at my native Chiefs bar. You all appear to be fucking idiots.
Sarah:
I guess you did not suppose any fanbase may probably be as annoying as 2000s Patriots followers. Buddy, have I received a metropolis for you. 5 nice years of soccer have put Kansas City sports activities followers on a speedrun to realize Boston ranges of insufferability. I am sufficiently old to recollect when not ending useless final within the division was thought of a very good season. Now the “Kingdom” is barely glad with the present Lombardi trophy as a result of we’re already salivating over the following one. There are generations who reside and die with out ever seeing their workforce win a Tremendous Bowl (sorry Drew), but right here we’re smugly declaring we, “may very well be proud of 5” rings in Patrick Mahomes’ profession. FIVE. Thank god we now have the Royals retaining these followers tethered to earth all summer time.
Patrick:
The factor that sucks most about KC soccer now could be how briskly the fanbase went from, “Hey, we’re now not choking within the playoffs yearly!” to, “If we do not win the Tremendous Bowl this season is a failure!”
Andy:
When you watch any Chiefs telecast, each announcer from Collinsworth to Romo will instantly point out that particular groups coach Dave Toub is, “the most effective.” EVERY time. Generally I believe his beginning title is, “Oneofthebest David Toub” and he simply goes by his center title.
Dave Toub is definitely a hack. His groups routinely take the ball out of the endzone and will not get it to the 25. His unit gave up 5 turnovers final 12 months. They commit horrible penalties. They have been nineteenth in STDVOA despite having a very good kicker and the league’s greatest statistical punter. Additionally, somebody who appears to be like deeper into particular groups, Rick Gosselin, ranked them DEAD LAST.
Mahomes is the rationale Toub hasn’t been stoned to loss of life by a Rayton garden service workforce within the car parking zone. He’ll value the workforce a playoff sport in some unspecified time in the future. He sucks.
Caleb:
Vacationing in Phoenix to see some previous faculty associates, we discovered ourselves at a bar earlier than a Dbacks/Royals sport. Scanning all of the craft faucets, I see probably the most acquainted deal with: Boulevard Brewing. As a substitute of simply telling the bartender what pint I needed, I stated, “Oh cool, you might have Boulevard down right here. They’re so good. We love them up in KC!” after which I paused with out ordering, leaving a clumsy house the place I assumed he ought to’ve a minimum of recommended both me or the beer for coming down from Kingdom City to entertain these sunburnt nomads.
Mercifully clipping my wings, my pal chimed in one other half-second later with, “He doesn’t care. No person cares. Now order.”
That’s us. As KC homers, we’re within the prime years of humblebragging and it is best to name us out each time we attempt to say we’re simply being Midwest-nice about it. God, I hate us.
Nick:
9 years in the past, I complained as a result of we hadn’t gained a playoff sport in roughly 95 years. Our followers have been the lovable losers. Quick ahead, and we now have two Tremendous Bowl rings and three convention titles. Am I humble about this, remembering my roots? HAHAHA not even a little bit. I purchased duplicate rings and now inform every of my non-Chiefs-fan associates to bow down and actually kiss the ring. My workforce sucks due to me…and naturally, our bank-robbing superfans.
Tim:
Our followers actually imagine that trotting out a 34-year-old Travis Kelce and a secure of undrafted FA large receivers is the key sauce to creating Mahomes profitable. They don’t want to have good WRs on the workforce, as a result of they suppose it makes the workforce worse. Look no additional than the previous decade of Inexperienced Bay soccer to see what investing nothing into offensive weapons does to the psyche of your extraordinarily gifted quarterback. That is what they need!
Gavinesq:
The followers are so deeply shitty. I’ll commit total days to preparing for a sport after which watching it, however I’ll by no means go to a sport at Camarohead once more. The followers are a bunch of raging, racist, drunken, feculent dickholes. Always remember that they booed an anti-racist present of unity earlier than one sport. Folks actually get assaulted and/or killed within the car parking zone of that place. I as soon as noticed a dude taking a shit within the car parking zone. I do know you are jaded about public shitting, however I can not be when it is some shit-caked hillbilly nonetheless sporting his Steve Deberg jersey.
Oh! Wait a minute! I simply discovered a flaw with the precise group! They actively cosset all this racism, similar to the Washington Soccer Team did earlier than they have been lastly shamed into altering. The Chiefs nonetheless beat an enormous “Struggle Drum” earlier than each sport. Their title is meant to evoke the “savage warrior” trope of our indigenous brethren, and the followers nonetheless do the Chop. The Chiefs now not play the tune that accompanies it, and so they say they do not encourage it, they do completely nothing to stop it taking place.
Soccer is like America. It fancies itself a troublesome man and is definitely racist at its core. The Chiefs are completely emblematic of this.
Kellin:
I fake to love Travis Kelce’s two-bit Dwayne Johnson shtick however Jesus Christ, I don’t understand how they managed to make a decent finish extra obnoxiously white-boy than fucking Gronk.
John:
My hometown workforce is a juggernaut, however I can not go to a sport as a result of I anticipate somebody will do the Invasion of the Physique Snatchers level at me if I do not do the chop and chant alongside to Gary Glitter.
With Kareem Hunt getting reduce in 2019, Terrell Suggs retiring in 2020, Tyreek Hill signing in Miami final 12 months, and Frank Clark and Eric Bienemy leaving the workforce this season, you would possibly suppose they lastly haven’t got somebody with a home abuse arrest on the workforce. I would not blame you, however you are forgetting about Willie Homosexual.
Harrison Butker is an evangelical piece of shit, Travis Kelce is the embodiment of Reddit who sang on stage with Machine Gun Kelly, George Karlaftis has a bizarre little mouth, and there is a nonzero probability Jackson Mahomes dies in a hoverboard accident.
Vikram:
To be a Chiefs fan now could be to alternate between villainy and clownery. It is spending your complete season with a grim satisfaction that your vocally anti-choice kicker may be very clearly cooked and ready for him to get replaced, just for him to go full Vinatieri within the playoffs. It is getting simply sufficient dangerous ref calls in opposition to you that you just get manner too defensive when calls break your manner in high-stakes moments. (Additionally screw you Drew for saying the flag ruined every little thing.) It is becoming a member of a refrain of followers indignant that nobody will rent Eric Bienemey to be a head coach purely out of racial bias, whereas attempting to disregard how a very good chunk of that choir does the racist chop and chant on gameday. It is respiration a sigh of reduction that you just now not need to root for Tyreek Hill earlier than remembering you continue to have Frank Clark.
John:
My former boss invented a cocktail he referred to as “The Massive Buffalo,” particularly for tailgating at Chiefs video games when it is chilly. Two photographs every of Irish Creme, Creme de Menthe, and Wild Turkey, served over ice. In its mixture of grossness and self-destruction, it’s symbolically good drink for Chiefs followers. I can simply think about Andy Reid chugging one.
Fiddlesticks:
Patrick Mahomes and firm have ruined soccer for me. After he leaves or suffers some debilitating trauma, it is again to above-average QB play at greatest. I’m now not the sort to have the ability to benefit from the second as a lot as I would love, so the looming decline weighs heavy on my soccer thoughts. At all times.
Nick:
I used to be born and raised in KC. I’m 32 now, so most of my life has seen the Chiefs bouncing between devastating disappointments within the playoffs and seasons marked by pure tragedy (Derrick Thomas’ automobile wreck and loss of life, Jovan Belcher’s murder-suicide, Scott Pioli’s employment).
Then in 2017, the soccer gods give us a QB who’s seemingly each Steph and LeBron. Being a Chiefs fan ought to be pure pleasure proper now, till you work together with one other Chiefs fan and keep in mind that this workforce’s success brings pleasure to among the worst individuals on earth. The one phrase much less in style than Black Lives Matter at a Chiefs sport is Designated Driver.
Weed is authorized in Missouri now, however meth continues to be the go-to drug for all of our superfans who aren’t at present incarcerated for robbing banks.
We’re all simply ready for Kelce to get caught saying the N phrase on digicam. It’s inevitable.
Jacob:
I’m the worst type of Chiefs fan. I do not give a shit although.
Ryan:
I hate our followers a lot. Sure I already received my ticket for opening night time vs. the Lions.
Alexander:
Patrick Mahomes is one of the best soccer participant ever, Kelce is best than Gronk, and it’s going to fucking suck watching them star in political advertisements for Republican candidates for the remainder of my life.
Tuffmitch:
Mahomes is God’s one true chosen quarterback, and but I nonetheless won’t ever be glad. It is now Tremendous Bowl or bust, and I’m now an unbearable fan on the extent of the everyday Boston dipshit.
The protection underneath Reid and Spagnuolo exists solely to piss me off. It is like Spags wakes up on Sunday morning and shouts to himself, “Oh boy, I can not wait to place a mediocre nook in man protection in opposition to Ja’Mar Chase in the present day!” Mahomes may throw for 20 TDs in a single sport and in some way Spags would discover a method to blitz us to a defeat by a rating of 147-140.
Fuck Herm Edwards and Todd Haley.
Kyle:
Has kicking the league’s ass the previous 5 years, with a QB that appears like Kermit and holds grudges like Jordan, made me into an unbearable, Patriots-like fan? You higher fucking imagine it. And you recognize what? It was value each shitty minute of the 33 years earlier than it.
Bryan:
Arrowhead on a gameday is like if Barstool sponsored the Republican Nationwide Conference. It’s July fifth as I write this, and would promote my canine to be there proper now.
Additionally, it was a maintain. I do not care if it ruined everybody else’s time, or that Hurts most likely deserved an opportunity to reply. Robust shit, Drew!
Particular due to the remainder of the Defector employees, and to all the readers who helped me compile the previews this 12 months. Benefit from the season, everybody.
